Warning: contains parody. Do not get upset, it is just a bit of fun!
All characters quoted in this post are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Vote Ah But Yes, eh!
For Uncontested Elections, Self-Interest, Ossification and the continuation of
the Old-boys network.
Efficiency
The loss of the
Constables will weaken the ability of the Council of Ministers to force through
legislation that harms lower and middle income earners. Without their guaranteed
10 or 12 votes for the Council of Minister, Jersey may turn Communist
overnight.
Because the
parishes control services locally, Jersey has been able to get away without
providing new-fangled ideas, such as kerbside recycling, because it is not
viable for 12 parishes to run separate schemes. If things like this were taken
out of the hands of the parishes, then we would end up being ruled by ‘hippies’,
who know the value of everything, but the cost of nothing!
If the
Constables are removed from the States, people will expect the parishes to be
run more competently. There is a risk that Constables will no longer be able to
blame the demands of their States work for their failings in the parish, and
their incompetence will be exposed. This must not be allowed to happen, as it
could cause embarrassment.
Community
Through their
political role, the Constables can wheel and deal behind the scenes. The loss
of the Constables in the States will undoubtedly lead to a significant
weakening of the old boys network – as has been the case in Guernsey for many
years.
Constables have
been identified as the future for ‘e-Government’, indeed, one Constable has
already switched from analogue cigarettes to electronic cigarettes. Constables
of the island ignite! Or not, as the case may be.
Through the
Parish Assembly, and being available at the Parish Hall (well, of course not all
of the time, because they are also full time States Members), the Constable is
uniquely placed to be able to understand the 18 parishioners (if lucky) that
turn up to these meetings. These concerns are then ignored, and the Constables
vote the way they are told by the Treasury Minister, who will not fund parish
schemes unless they votes as he says. As
such, the Constables are able to ‘filter out’ the noise of the parishioners who
are not experts anyway, and make more sensible decisions.
Accountability
The Constables
are continually accountable though the ballot box. It is simply not true to say
that they are undemocratic, because all Parishes have, at least once in the last
500 years, all had contested elections. Indeed, St Ouen has even had two in the
space of only 110 years.
Deputies do not
represent the Parishes in the States.
They represent ‘humans’ who live in the Parishes. The Constables, on the other hand, represent the concept of the Parish – how on earth would the bunny rabbits and the trees and the stones be represented were it not for the Constables being in the States? Because of their ancient and arcane role, the Constables are able to communicate with animals and commune with the spirit of inanimate objects in the parish and make sure that their view on matters such as GST and human maternity leave can be taken into account.
They represent ‘humans’ who live in the Parishes. The Constables, on the other hand, represent the concept of the Parish – how on earth would the bunny rabbits and the trees and the stones be represented were it not for the Constables being in the States? Because of their ancient and arcane role, the Constables are able to communicate with animals and commune with the spirit of inanimate objects in the parish and make sure that their view on matters such as GST and human maternity leave can be taken into account.
The removal of
the Constables has the potential to de-stabilise Jersey’s Government. The
Finance Industry requires a right wing government. The removal of Constables,
in favour of Humans who are elected specifically
to do the job, would almost
certainly lead to a doomsday scenario where all the Banks would leave and move
to Sark. This must not be allowed to happen.
There is a
suggestion that Constables have a “block vote”. We acknowledge this, and so as
a compromise, we have consulted with the Constables. They have agreed that only
one of them will attend each States sitting, and cast 12 votes. This will free the others to do more work in their parishes, thus
strengthening the parishes, but making sure that the States still make the
right decisions, every time.
Reform
Constables have
proven they are reforming States Members. They were so adamant that they should stay in the States, that they voted to weaken the Parish system by removing their
own policing powers, which Constable Rondel described as ‘a nail in the coffin
for the honorary system.’ Such self-sacrifice proves they are progressive.
The retention
of the Constables is compliant with the Venus Commission, which makes
allowances for feudal jurisdictions to do what they want.
Testimonials
Chief
Minister Senator Jan Gorse:
“I am
supporting the Vote for YES Campaign because I need the votes of Connétables in the States to be Chief Minister
again.’
Businessman
Kevan Bean:
“So long
as I am making money, I couldn’t care less about democracy”.
