06 October 2014

Vote: Ah but Yes!

I am pleased to post a guest posting from the 'Ah but yes, eh!' campaign.

Warning: contains parody. Do not get upset, it is just a bit of fun!

All characters quoted in this post are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Vote Ah But Yes, eh!

For Uncontested Elections, Self-Interest, Ossification and the continuation of the Old-boys network.


The loss of the Constables will weaken the ability of the Council of Ministers to force through legislation that harms lower and middle income earners. Without their guaranteed 10 or 12 votes for the Council of Minister, Jersey may turn Communist overnight.

Because the parishes control services locally, Jersey has been able to get away without providing new-fangled ideas, such as kerbside recycling, because it is not viable for 12 parishes to run separate schemes. If things like this were taken out of the hands of the parishes, then we would end up being ruled by ‘hippies’, who know the value of everything, but the cost of nothing!

If the Constables are removed from the States, people will expect the parishes to be run more competently. There is a risk that Constables will no longer be able to blame the demands of their States work for their failings in the parish, and their incompetence will be exposed. This must not be allowed to happen, as it could cause embarrassment.


Through their political role, the Constables can wheel and deal behind the scenes. The loss of the Constables in the States will undoubtedly lead to a significant weakening of the old boys network – as has been the case in Guernsey for many years.

Constables have been identified as the future for ‘e-Government’, indeed, one Constable has already switched from analogue cigarettes to electronic cigarettes. Constables of the island ignite! Or not, as the case may be.

Through the Parish Assembly, and being available at the Parish Hall (well, of course not all of the time, because they are also full time States Members), the Constable is uniquely placed to be able to understand the 18 parishioners (if lucky) that turn up to these meetings. These concerns are then ignored, and the Constables vote the way they are told by the Treasury Minister, who will not fund parish schemes unless they votes as he says.  As such, the Constables are able to ‘filter out’ the noise of the parishioners who are not experts anyway, and make more sensible decisions.


The Constables are continually accountable though the ballot box. It is simply not true to say that they are undemocratic, because all Parishes have, at least once in the last 500 years, all had contested elections. Indeed, St Ouen has even had two in the space of only 110 years.

Deputies do not represent the Parishes in the States.
They represent ‘humans’ who live in the Parishes. The Constables, on the other hand, represent the concept of the Parish – how on earth would the bunny rabbits and the trees and the stones be represented were it not for the Constables being in the States? Because of their ancient and arcane role, the Constables are able to communicate with animals and commune with the spirit of inanimate objects in the parish and make sure that their view on matters such as GST and human maternity leave can be taken into account.

The removal of the Constables has the potential to de-stabilise Jersey’s Government. The Finance Industry requires a right wing government. The removal of Constables, in favour of Humans who are elected specifically  to do the job, would almost certainly lead to a doomsday scenario where all the Banks would leave and move to Sark. This must not be allowed to happen.

There is a suggestion that Constables have a “block vote”. We acknowledge this, and so as a compromise, we have consulted with the Constables. They have agreed that only one of them will attend each States sitting, and cast 12 votes. This will free the others to do more work in their parishes, thus strengthening the parishes, but making sure that the States still make the right decisions, every time.


Constables have proven they are reforming States Members. They were so adamant that they should stay in the States, that they voted to weaken the Parish system by removing their own policing powers, which Constable Rondel described as ‘a nail in the coffin for the honorary system.’ Such self-sacrifice proves they are progressive.

The retention of the Constables is compliant with the Venus Commission, which makes allowances for feudal jurisdictions to do what they want.


Chief Minister Senator Jan Gorse:

“I am supporting the Vote for YES Campaign because I need the votes of  ConnĂ©tables in the States to be Chief Minister again.’

Businessman Kevan Bean:

“So long as I am making money, I couldn’t care less about democracy”.